Friday, 16 January 2015

The Dos and Dolts... Ghost hunting rules. by morons, for morons.

A lot of people are asking where Matador productions got the inspiration for their ill-judged naked ghost hunting show. The answer boggles the mind.

In my last blog I asked Chrissy Glickman of Matador productions for some sources to back up the hypothesis that spirits are more eager to communicate with the naked. Chrissy e-mailed back stating that naked spirit communication goes all the way back to the Romans, her source: The Untold Rules Of Real Ghost Hunting by Haunted America Tours. The basis for this seems to be a brief mention of the Romans unsupported by any credible source from rule 3 which actually states one SHOULD NOT ghost hunt naked (or you should at least inform your fellow investigators that you intend to do so! I should think so too!), the logic behind this whole nonsense being "ghosts are naked, you should be naked too"! Matador are basing the premise of a TV show on this utter rubbish! (since writing this a representative from Matador has pointed out this was not their only source just an example. It is the only source they have provided me. I apologise if there has been any misunderstanding.):


I've got to thank Chrissy actually, because the site she has linked me too is possibly the most moronic and borderline misogynistic tripe I've ever had the displeasure to read. Many sites have rules by which their representatives should follow. As I've covered before these rules range from the sensible to the blatantly obvious to the painfully silly, but even these rules pale in comparison to this set. The author seems obsessed with sex, genitals and reproductive processes.  I reproduce an abridged version here, I'm calling it:

Ghost hunting rules for morons... By morons.

General Rules.



Don't bring fireworks or pit bulls? You have to wonder who exactly this group are getting along to their "investigations" if they have to be told that weapon dogs and explosives are contraband! Also no drugs is good policy, but who is taking crack then going ghost-hunting? The author also thinks that medications should come with a warning "not to operate ghost hunting equipment". I think they should check the back of their medication for a statement saying "Do not write ghost hunting do's and don't s".

The "no-boner" rule is going to be pretty hard to enforce though.

Up next there are individual rules for women and men... didn't you know? Lisa does. Ladies first.

Rules for women.

Here are some gems that stand out these are women we are talking about so what's up first?:


Shoes of course! You ladies and your shoes! Tut! But seriously, what makes this extra insulting is this piece was actually wrote by a woman! I also presume that as this is only under the ladies rules, men can turn up in what ever ridiculous footwear they like.



Again, not quite sure why this just applies to women. Upon reading warnings that ghosts can haunt underwear, and that farting investigators are prone to "anal possession" I did have to double check that this isn't a parody site. Unfortunately it seems like they are deadly serious. What an insult though, to die and find you've been designated an "anal ghost".

Apparently "there is nothing worse than a real ghost digging around in your drawers when you are hunting for ghosts" surely that would actually be a plus. You've found your ghost at least, and it may well be confined.


I find this section particularly offensive. It strikes me as little more than declaring women at certain stages of their menstrual cycle as "unclean". I assume the author (Lisa: a woman) means actually menstruating, as the menstrual cycle is defined as running from the start of one period to the day before the next, aren't most woman pre-menopause always on their menstrual cycle? I find worrying that a, presumably, grown woman doesn't know what the menstrual cycle is.

Now we have vaginal ghosts. Is there any area of the body that doesn't have its own unique spook?

Also: "Vaginal or womb ghosts are said to prey on woman with these pre existing conditions."

Really? Who says this? You? The morons that make up your group? Perhaps the pit bulls they bring to investigations? As the article goes on the use of phrases such as "people say" or "it is said", this is just another way of saying "We have absolutely no evidence of this, just some people say it... not experts or qualified people, there's obviously no research... just some people said."



Whaaaaaaaat? "If you must..." there will never, ever be a reason some one MUST take a new-born ghost hunting. If you take an infant, especially a new-born, on a ghost-hunt.... YOU ARE CRIMINALLY INSANE! I'm genuinely surprised there's no warning to keep infants away from fireworks and pit bulls here.


Deeply misogynistic. I, like most reasonable people, have a real problem with women being told how to dress. Its one thing to advise sensible garments, but to imply that certain clothing make one a "haunted ho'" or a "Grandma diesel dyke".... Sorry "Lisa" but you strike me as deeply ignorant... I'm not sure you are the right person to be the public face of any organisation or write their guidelines.


  Again, is this also just for women? Also... Fucking HELL! And no have haven't been known to do that... ever. They haven't been "known" to do anything, including exist! You should of stuck to "people say..." here. Someone may actually ask you for a source.


Who thinks that Lisa? Do you think it? Often? Yes? Then what you wrote is true then. Only problem is, this could be tested. Maybe it has. Never been a positive result though. What exactly does a "wild" ghost do? Could you just be scare-mongering here? Trying to make your events seem a little more exciting? Also what the hell is a "phernome"?

Rules for men.



Don't masturbate on an investigation, again file this under "goes without saying".


Again anyone tested this claim. Apparently bi-sexual folks have "tenseness". Also conflating "gay" (sorry "real gay") and "bi-sexual" there hardly dispels the earlier accusation of ignorance. Also why is that under men, does Lisa not know there are bi-sexual women too?


Eat up! You don't want ghosts infesting your stomachs chaps! Not with all the arse ghosts knocking about. I imagine they can cram right up there. Or should I say : "It is often thought that..."

We covered rule 3 for men right at the top. Don't investigate in your underwear. Again "goes without saying". Let's not forget this is a section so stupid it inspired a reality TV show!

The last rule I actually have the strength of will of cover:


What can I say... ear ghosts are hell.... I do agree with this if you think that you've been possessed, you probably shouldn't be ghost hunting. You should probably try to stay as far away from all this utter nonsense as possible.

I hope that while you were reading all this, you had it at the forefront of your mind that this site is the inspiration for the show that Chrissy is casting for. It was the sole source she was prepared to offer me.

That's far more scary than any ear, nose, throat or bum ghost in my opinion.